I'm thinking a lot about my postpartum body and the changes she's gone through. It's not fun getting used to this new body. It's different. It feels weaker, larger, and more sensitive. I'm always sore. My vagina aches sometimes. My belly button looks weird. I have more curves. My skin seems to be worse. I'm leaking from a couple different parts of my body. My hair is coming out. I've got constant knots in my shoulders. My hips are wider.
So yeah, it's not pleasant. Part of me wants remind myself of all the positive changes that my body has undergone...this part wants to tell myself, 'yeah, but you're stronger in lots of ways! You pushed a freakin' baby out of you! You make milk for your baby! You lift her with your arms and rock her and hold her and keep her safe!' All of those things are also true - and I'm so grateful to be able to do those things for my daughter - but it's okay to make space for myself to feel sad about missing my old body and what she used to do for me. I know I'll get back to doing those things again someday, like running and playing soccer, but I feel frustrated that it's taking longer than I'd like. It's hard to have patience, especially when those things used to be a big outlet for me.
I do appreciate and love my body for growing Jane and giving me the tools to take care of her, especially after almost a year of trying to get pregnant and losing a lot of trust in my body, but I can also acknowledge that I sacrificed a lot of myself and my body to bring Jane into this world. I think other moms will understand that. It will take time to rebuild my relationship with my changing body, but I'll always love her and be amazed by what she is capable of.